don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
