No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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