So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
