It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You took a bar mat shot.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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