i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
