seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
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