Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize