We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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