Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
