i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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