True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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