Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
