you guys were way drunker than both of me
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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