Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
