That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
