Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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