But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
