i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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