just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
