and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
