never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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