too bad you live with your parents still
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
