we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize