Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
