bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
