if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
