8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Randomize
