cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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