i used baking grease as lip gloss
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
