I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
lets start a swedish sibling band together
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
When are your genitals available?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
