so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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