Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
