im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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