and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
