i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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