ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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