my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
