does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
