She is in my trunk
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
