What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
