My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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