Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
i think my cat just said my name.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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