I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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