don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
