a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
