I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
