I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
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