and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
