Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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