I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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