So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
