Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
