Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
