The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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