I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I skipped work to stalk him.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We had sex on a dog bed..
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
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