also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
