Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
