I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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