There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Randomize
