Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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