I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
