fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
